Living with depression

Depression is with me everyday. I wake up and its there with me straight away, as my first thought is not wanting to wake up but to continue to be asleep.

Everyday is a struggle with life. It seems a selfish thing, as there are people in this world who are suffering worse that I am. My heart truly goes out to them, and i genuinely feel for their plight, but tomorrow morning, I will still wake with the desire of not wanting to be here. Not dead, just not awake. In a constant dream world where everything can be controlled instead of everything being out of control.

Everywhere i look I see danger. Its part and parcel of who i have become. I have become a paranoid freak of nature, by assuming the worse has yet to come. Nostradamus eat your heart out.. i would have beat you as the end of the world could be any day and I am so afraid. I'm afraid of who comes to the door. I'm afraid who is passing in the car. I am afraid of watching the news in case it is impending doom.

I don't inflict this on anyone else. Its my secret inner thoughts. I feel stupid for even thinking them. i know its not a rational thing to even consider, but I cant help it.. that's the way my brain ticks. Its like the theory of thinking the worse because things can only get better... well in my case they are bad and are only going to get worse. My train of thought has got worse over the years.

At the moment I am coping with bug paranoia. Its like i can feel them crawling in my hair and over my back while i am typing but my logical brain knows there is nothing there. I have even got to the length of de-nit-ting myself with a head lice comb and i have found nothing, but yet my skin continues to crawl.

I maybe stark raving mad, but the biggest nark of all is that in all honesty there is no one out there who can help simply because they either dont have the time, or the money or just simply dont give a shit.

I have been offered counselling a few times and yes i have always been willing as i am always ready to give everything a go, but are they really interested? Nah, they don't care. The guy I went to see must have thought i couldn't tell the time. I was supposed to have hour sessions every two weeks... they were more like 45 to 30 Min's every 2 weeks. I feel disheartened that there are many people who are in a job to care and the simply don't. Its not just about sitting in a corner and crying every day. Its not about the feeling of dread in my stomach or even the fact I want to hide in a cupboard.. Its the fact that people don't care.. maybe the support is there but its only when the professionals can be arsed. Its easier to get a barely English speaking shrink to attend someone who is about to top themselves.. now that wants to make me cry because that was me and yeah, i can wallow in self pity and feel sorry for myself because i think that that is a god damn shameful thing to happen in this day and age... proving my point that no one gives a shit.

Depression is a difficult thing to handle for any professional, and everyone knows that if you have mental health issues the biggest part of being able to get better is believing in yourself and there is only you who can do it.. no one else can wave a magic wand and make you better. You have that delight all for yourself.

I suppose i can expect that if i want anything else from the National health service, I should expect a second rate service as the amount of money that the government give them is a small amount to survive and what I should do really is go private. To be honest, I cant afford to go private, but even if i could, what about everyone else that's stuck within a system that has no way out?

So I should imagine that going back to the doctors could land me with more medication. Why not.. I may even begin to bloody rattle. Dope me up and pass me on to something else. Because there is no blood or injury to patch up, I simply become a statistic. Yet another failure and something else to sort out a few months down the line.

Now do you see why i would rather stay asleep?!